[it's not the sister she wants saying it but she doesn't think Clover will ever say it quite so plainly. if at all, now. the first part of the message, about the damage, is something she wants to defend herself against, but she can't form the words after reading the rest. it just. it takes her a second.]
hard to express it was like you wanted to come up with more & more ways to be needed creating a new structure that others learn to rely on that falls apart without you holding it up something to show why you mattered to keep from being disregarded or forgotten
like they were all connected needing you, and thinking about you, and loving you
[she doesn't want that to be right. she'll have to think about it good and hard because just having it presented to her like this makes her stomach twist.]
if that's what i was doing then it sounds really manipulative and if i was doing that then it wasn't on purpose
i just didn't want you all to think i loved you any less just because i wasn't in the orphanage anymore they wanted to make me carmelina cantor and i guess legally that's what my name is but i fought to let greg and gabi keep calling me a geteilt
then i started finding things that my love couldn't even pretend to fix and i just i still don't know how to handle it i'm sorry
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babysplice) wrote2018-09-30 08:47 pm
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violet you're going to make me cry
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if u do please collect the tears
!
the crystalized structures are interesting!
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what did you mean i didn't have to try so hard
what efforts
i kind of don't know how not to try hard
i try really hard all the time
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it was like you wanted to come up with more & more ways to be needed
creating a new structure that others learn to rely on
that falls apart without you holding it up
something to show why you mattered
to keep from being disregarded or forgotten
like they were all connected
needing you, and thinking about you, and loving you
thats the impression i got
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[she doesn't want that to be right. she'll have to think about it good and hard because just having it presented to her like this makes her stomach twist.]
if that's what i was doing then it sounds really manipulative
and if i was doing that then it wasn't on purpose
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it was a question made of love
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they wanted to make me carmelina cantor and i guess legally that's what my name is but i fought to let greg and gabi keep calling me a geteilt
then i started finding things that my love couldn't even pretend to fix and i just
i still don't know how to handle it i'm sorry
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names are only names
y do u need 2 fix
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?
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...do you?
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no, why would i
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because i'm dumb and sad and i feel like everything bad is my fault all the time
how do you always know how to help
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i want to be better at actually helping people
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try thinking less
or think trying less
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i can try
i won't be much good at it but i can try
if i'm already good at it then i can try not to freak out so much if i can't help
i mean
i came to you because i couldn't figure this out on my own
and it only took two freakouts and a breakdown for me to realize that
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ask someone reliable 4 help
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i'm still kind of amazed that you can read me so well
i feel like you know me better than i know myself sometimes
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