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[babysplice]

Violent Gestalt

Real winners always say no to dying and being dead.

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[babysplice]

?

[breakingvoice]

yeah, see.

i remember things from Two's life
but i also remember this... other Lina. who wasn't on good terms with anyone in the family. she fought with Clover constantly.
and it's that Lina that got to be friends with Jen and May and all the people i talked about when i freaked out in the gc earlier.

i don't want to forget her but i might be going too far to try to remember who she was. but i think all this was there before her, too, but it was never this bad. and i just

when did i get like this?

[babysplice]

would you rather be her?

[breakingvoice]

[there's a typing bubble for a few seconds. it disappears and reappears at least three times before it finally goes constant.]

no.
but i think i know the big difference between her and me and sometimes i wonder if i want that.

i don't think she ever got adopted.

[babysplice]

?
do u want 2 be unadopted?

[ gosh, james and lily would be heartbroken... ]

[breakingvoice]

the damage is already done
it's not going to make anything better

maybe i just don't know who i am because i don't know how many of you actually still think i'm a geteilt
i don't know
i'm being dramatic i'm sorry i'll stop

[babysplice]

[ oh. things fall into place so neatly she can almost hear the "click." it's like the perfect tetris block has just appeared.

also violet literally doesn't even read the last line? she forgot how to read, who cares. ]

ah

i didnt know it felt like damage to you



we would still be family even if you had moved to the moon instead of the next neihgborhood

& you would still be a geteilt even if none of us thought you were
& tbh even if you didnt want to be



fwiw
i dont think your efforts were wasted
but you didn't need to try so hard

[breakingvoice]

[it's not the sister she wants saying it but she doesn't think Clover will ever say it quite so plainly. if at all, now. the first part of the message, about the damage, is something she wants to defend herself against, but she can't form the words after reading the rest. it just. it takes her a second.]

violet you're going to make me cry

[babysplice]

!
if u do please collect the tears
!
the crystalized structures are interesting!

[breakingvoice]

[and she's back.]

what did you mean i didn't have to try so hard
what efforts
i kind of don't know how not to try hard
i try really hard all the time

[babysplice]

hard to express
it was like you wanted to come up with more & more ways to be needed
creating a new structure that others learn to rely on
that falls apart without you holding it up
something to show why you mattered
to keep from being disregarded or forgotten

like they were all connected
needing you, and thinking about you, and loving you

thats the impression i got

[breakingvoice]

i don't know

[she doesn't want that to be right. she'll have to think about it good and hard because just having it presented to her like this makes her stomach twist.]

if that's what i was doing then it sounds really manipulative
and if i was doing that then it wasn't on purpose

[babysplice]

it wasmt manipulative
it was a question made of love

[breakingvoice]

i just didn't want you all to think i loved you any less just because i wasn't in the orphanage anymore
they wanted to make me carmelina cantor and i guess legally that's what my name is but i fought to let greg and gabi keep calling me a geteilt

then i started finding things that my love couldn't even pretend to fix and i just
i still don't know how to handle it i'm sorry

[babysplice]

everyone is entitled to as many parents as they like
names are only names

y do u need 2 fix

[breakingvoice]

because i feel like i'm the one who started breaking it in the first place

[babysplice]

does anyone else feel that way

?

[breakingvoice]

"do you think i'm the one who broke this family apart?" isn't an easy question to ask

...do you?

[babysplice]

???
no, why would i

[breakingvoice]

i don't know
because i'm dumb and sad and i feel like everything bad is my fault all the time

how do you always know how to help

[babysplice]

a fairy's blessing

[breakingvoice]

i mean it

i want to be better at actually helping people

[babysplice]

you r good at it already
try thinking less
or think trying less

[breakingvoice]

okay
i can try
i won't be much good at it but i can try
if i'm already good at it then i can try not to freak out so much if i can't help

i mean
i came to you because i couldn't figure this out on my own
and it only took two freakouts and a breakdown for me to realize that

[babysplice]

easier to team up
ask someone reliable 4 help